Pirates of the Caribbean: No Need to Tell Tales

You all remember Kobe Bryant. He is one of the greatest basketball players to ever play the game. He retired in the 2015-2016 season. On his last game before he retired Kobe put up 60 points! That’s an astounding amount of points for any player! Let alone a 38-year-old. Well, what you don’t know is that he shot 83 times. Kobe actually made much less than half of his shots. 60 points isn’t as impressive if you go to shoot every time you have the ball.

This is how the latest Captain Jack Sparrow performance felt from the beloved Johnny Depp. The now caricature of what we once knew as Jack Sparrow pitched jokes like fastballs coming at a rapid rate. With mostly bunts, a few midfielders, and only one or two home runs, it became exhausting to watch. Like Kobe, the captain of the Black Pearl came out with some funny moments, but compared to a number of shots he took, it goes from impressive to sad.

Now I’ll be honest, as the credits were about to roll, I wasn’t upset at this movie for being as bad as it is. I expected the late addition to a sinking ship wouldn’t exactly blow me away. Johnny Depp has been… struggling lately. Most casual movie fans seem to ignore that fact because it’s hard to swallow, but the fact remains – by definition, Johnny Depp is overrated. Knowing that going into this film helped keep my expectations down. A no name director, very little Orlando Bloom and Kiera Knightley, and an obvious cash grab with no need to be good. Hollywood is predictable and the outcome of this movie was as well. Even with all that, I wasn’t upset at the film…

Until…

When the end credits started rolling, the audience I was among started to clap! I couldn’t believe my senses! I went to see the movie because I am in the industry, I was with family, and I had a gift card. If ANY of those three elements were eliminated, I wouldn’t have gone. This movie is bad. It tells no further story. It erases everything significant that came before it. It’s not nearly as funny as it is embarrassing. The CGI is absolutely breathtaking but is eclipsed by the lack of intriguing plot. Yet… the audience clapped!

When I heard the audience clap, a fire lit within my heart. I realized these massive franchises make money because they are nostalgic, not actually good. People are putting sand in their coffee merely because it resembles sugar… and they are happy with it! To make a good movie is extremely hard. It takes time, effort, money, and genius. If an audience will spend just as much money seeing a bad movie that takes less time and effort and is cheaper - what businessman is going to make a good movie that is more expensive, takes longer, and is harder to make? Unless, as a collective whole, we don’t give these people our money for below average entertainment, that is all we are going to get.

Many of you might be thinking I am wrong because either you saw the movie and loved it, or you have seen all the positive reviews and assume I am wrong. If you like the movie, I am happy for you. You haven’t been plagued by the passion for better entertainment that seems to consume me. That being said, you are happy putting sand in your coffee.

The amount of amazing content in the world is immeasurable. Go to L.A. and throw a rock. You will hit someone with an amazing idea for a film. Yet, Hollywood goes back to the same dead cow to see if they can squeeze a few more drops out of the rotting udder. Why? Because today’s audience will pay and pay and pay for nothing but a quick stroke of their childhood ego.